Rachael and Paul

Rachael and Paul adopted three children through the Early Permanence route to adoption 

Here Rachel talks about their journey…

“We had always wanted children and just assumed it would happen after we got married. After many years of fertility treatments and painful procedures, we accepted that we couldn’t have birth children. We would never accept that we couldn’t have children though as we knew, one way or another, we would have a family.

We first looked into Early Permanence as we really wanted the chance to have a baby, which Early Permanence offered. But we knew almost nothing about it and had vaguely heard of it in the form of Foster to Adopt. Initially, we felt it would be too hard to contemplate having to go through any sort of rehabilitation (when a child goes back to their birth family) after already suffering so much loss.

A couple of friends of friends had adopted and recommended Adoption Matters so we got in touch. We decided to get more information about Early Permanence and attended an information evening. It was so informative and explained everything so clearly. Something just clicked, and we really felt that whatever happened, knowing we’d had a part to play in such a vital time of a child’s life would surely help with the difficulty of a rehabilitation.

In the beginning of January 2021, we met with a social worker from Adoption Matters: we couldn’t have been given a better match as she just ‘got’ us. It is a tough process to go through – in many ways we found it far more invasive than the fertility treatments we’d endured. The training is rigorous and because of the early permanence route we’d chosen – there was even more as we were to be approved as foster carers as well as adopters. Through it all however, we knew, one day, we would have our children. A guarantee that could never be certain through fertility treatment.

We had said from the beginning that we would like siblings. Paul and I both have siblings – he is one of three and I am one of four. When sharing this with our social worker, we said initially we would like 2 siblings, and then possibly come back to have a third in a couple of years’ time. I agonised over how we’d know if a placement is the right one but everything people say is true – you just know. We had to wait longer than we’d hoped we would as not many sibling groups were being placed at the time, which isn’t the case now we are told. The support we received during this difficult waiting period was great. We made use of the groups offered by Adoption Matters to be able to speak to other carers / adopters and this helped so much – being able to speak to people that have either been through it, or going through it, made such a difference. Especially when you are waiting for a placement as at times, it can feel like it’s never going to happen. But meeting people who it’s happened for gives you hope.

Our social worker knew us so well, that she knew, when she approached us about this particular placement, it was the one. She told us of a little boy aged 4 and his younger sister aged 17 months. She knew that we really wanted a baby and that a 4 year old was actually older than usual at the time for an Early Permanence placement.

She then shared that birth mum was also pregnant with sibling number 3. We did have to think about it obviously, as going from zero to three children almost instantly was far more than we had planned. But we were also of the attitude that we’d waited so long and we loved the idea of siblings being able to stay together: so we said yes.

It took a month from hearing about them to when we first met them. We were so nervous! It’s such a strange situation and very difficult to prepare for. All we had been able to do before finding out about the placement was some basic preparations in decorating 2 rooms fairly neutral ready for the unknown children who were going to move in. We had numerous lists and finalised items so we were ready to buy as soon as we got the word – this really helped narrowing down prams, car seats etc

The eldest, A, was asleep when we arrived so we met L first. She has the biggest blue eyes that we immediately fell in love with. We will never forget when A woke up, he looked like a sleepy little lion as his hair was quite long and all sticking up from being asleep: he was adorable. We spent a few days getting to know them – the first meeting was for just about an hour in their house, then we went over the following day and took them out for a few hours, then they came to our house for the day. Moving in day was at the end of the week! 5 ½ weeks later their little baby brother was born and we met him at 6 hours old. I actually got to stay over night in hospital with him too and changed his first nappy.

We met with birth parents when baby J was born (we had seen them twice a week leading up to his birth for Family Time which is contact between the children and birth family) and they handed him over to us. It was very emotional and a very difficult thing to have to do – for them and us. Our case took longer than anticipated and we were in the fostering stage for over a year and having family time twice a week for a year. This was hard on everyone, especially the children.

We finally became a Forever Family in September 2023 when we were granted our adoption order. 

Below picture: The family held a forever family party and the below is their family in Lego which was the cake topper!

It certainly hasn’t been plain sailing and we still face challenges. Throughout this journey we have accessed the support offered by Adoption Matters. During the training and waiting stage we could attend support groups (as mentioned above), had regular meetings with our social worker and attended coffee mornings to chat with other adopters.

Adoption Matters clearly value the strength of community and making connections with the social events they offer. We have made some really good friends through the agency who all live locally and we all have similar aged children who are now also friends. We continue to access their support through consultations with their Centre for Fostering and Adoption Support and attending the webinars.

This early permanence route is possibly one of the most difficult ways, in my opinion, to have a family, as the uncertainty leading up to getting the adoption order was tough. The chaos of birth family inevitably impacted our lives; for a time, our world was intertwined with theirs. Family Times could be cancelled at a moment’s notice which was then very hard for A and he would become very distressed. We had to block out the fear of not knowing if the children would become ours one day and remind ourselves that the time we have with them is not only making a difference to them, but also bringing us joy too. And that whatever happens, we will deal with it when it happens.

You are forced to live in the present as anything else is impossible; we had to take it day by day. It’s now, now that it’s all over and we are able to breathe, that we are only just processing how difficult it was at times. We were constantly running on adrenaline and that can take its toll.

Despite all this, we are glad we chose this route as Early Permanence is so valuable for the children. We are able to talk about birth parents first hand because we got to know them a bit and can share first hand anecdotes with our children. This has been especially important with our eldest as he talks about them and we can share things with him for example, birth mum would bake cakes sometimes and send some for us, she spoke about sports she liked in relation to clubs A was doing. It certainly wasn’t easy, but the positive impact it will have on our children and for their future, outweighs anything else for us.

For anyone who is unsure whether this route is for them, my advice is to simply do your research and speak to as many people as you can who have been through it. We reached out extensively to people who had been through domestic adoption and then, through Adoption Matters, people who had gone through Early Permanence.

Paul and I both strongly feel that we are truly glad we weren’t able to have birth children and chose this route as otherwise we wouldn’t have got our three little monsters”.

To find out more about adoption and early permanence, download our adoption guide here.